My Journey of Faith

I was born and raised Unitarian Universalist in New England, the area of that faith's founding. Something of an anomaly as a "cradle UU" (most UU's come to that faith from other religious traditions), UU's were far from common in the small town in which I grew up. Although I ultimately connected with a great youth group at the Universalist church in West Hartford, where I enjoyed discussing religious ideas with my peers, I have strong memories from throughout my childhood of longing for faith. I was drawn to movies that depicted people with strong faith ("Chariots of Fire" comes to mind), and drawn to the beautiful sacred music that was in abundance at the Unitarian church I grew up attending.

Perhaps the first significant step in my journey of faith was when I was cast in the musical "Godspell" as a high school freshman. The beautiful music, the subject material (the Gospel according to Matthew), and the intimacy of rehearsing with a small cast intensified my longing for real faith. I remember reading the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, and wishing I was Christian. Though I did, at the time, believe in a sort of nebulous God, a spirit within and connecting all people, I didn't feel like I could rationally believe more. Incidentally, my high school experience also included the rock opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" - my mother was cast in the Suffield Players' production when I was a sophomore. Once again, I was immersed in the story of Jesus, and felt the strong pull of belief.

During college, though I was exposed to bountiful sacred music singing in several choirs, I moved even farther from belief in God. I became a staunch atheist (still considering myself a UU), and was very uncomfortable discussing, or even thinking about, Christianity. I'm not sure exactly why I was so uncomfortable - I don't think I could have put it into words - but I suspect it was the fear that if I accepted any sort of belief that I would be betraying my scientific training. Following college, I spent several years in the National Park Service as a seasonal ranger, generally unable to attend even UU services because I had to work on Sundays. The exception to this was my season with the Everglades, during which I I regularly attended a Presbyterian church as their soprano soloist. I also managed to fit in UU services, which met later in the day than the Presbyterian church. Also during this time, I had the tremendous blessing of singing with the University of Miami Collegium Musicum. In the spring, the Collegium joined with two other choirs and two orchestras for a performance of the complete St. Matthew Passion by Johann Sebastian Bach. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life.

Graduate school brought difficult times for me. I became extremely ill, and had to return home to the care of my parents. For a time, I wasn't sure what my prognosis would be - whether I'd be able to finish my degree, whether I'd ever be able to walk again, whether I'd ever be out of pain, and ultimately whether I would survive the disease. Although I had the uncomparable support of my parents and brother (my mother, a nurse, took care of me as lovingly as I could ever have wished), the wonderful support of my advisor and lifetime friend (and second mom!), Sally, and the ongoing care and concern of my friends, it was a lonely and dark time for me. Having no faith to see me through (and having been largely disappointed with the UU fellowship where I lived during graduate school), I was spiritually adrift.

It was in this spiritual condition that I returned, physically recovered, to graduate school and met my future husband. Jason and I first met and became friends through a young-adult network of UU's. We stayed active with the UU community for a time, but ultimately found it lacking in solid spirituality that we were both seeking. Throughout our early friendship, I was struck by Jason's deep respect for Christianity. It pains me to admit that though Unitarian Universalist principles teach religious tolerance and acceptance, I was at that time strongly intolerant of Christianity. Hearing Jason speak so reverently about this faith that neither of us shared gave me pause, however. With his strong Christian roots, his earnest quest for the truth, and this profound respect for the Christian story, Jason would ultimately help lead me to faith in God and Christianity.

Fast-forward to 2001. Jason and I were engaged to be married, and were looking for a church home where we could find the spiritual sustenance we craved, a home where we could engage in intellectual pursuit yet still find faith. One afternoon Jason got a call from his former undergradutate advisor, Reg McLelland, a philosophy professor at Covenant College. Reg, one of the founding members of University Church, was coming into town to speak at that Wednesday night's "paper talk" at UC - after a potluck dinner, he would be presenting a paper, followed by discussion. Reg invited us to attend, and we eagerly accepted. Such began one of the pivotal evenings in my life.

When we arrived for potluck, I was immediately struck by the warmth and earnestness of the people there. We experienced a realness that we've been hard-pressed to find anywhere else, even at other churches. After dinner, we filed into the library, where Reg was scheduled to speak about Alvin Plantinga. I can't recall much of the talk, for some of his opening remarks struck me so powerfully that they overshadowed everything that followed. Reg spoke of types of knowledge, and the difference between scientific and existential knowledge. He gave an example: he knows his wife loves him, just as he knows his Saviour loves him. He said that one could believe in God and not commit "intellectual suicide."

I was struck as if by lightning. I could believe and still be a rational being? It fit - I had sensed all along that there were things I "knew" but couldn't explain how I knew...because I knew them existentially. It was like the sun breaking through the clouds - suddenly, so much was clear to me that had been hidden. I had come home.

It was still some time before I could fully consider myself Christian - a difficult path for this "cradle UU" to tread - but today, as a woman who has been baptized in my new faith, as a regular attendee of the same beloved church that helped me find my faith, the label is more than comfortable, it is joyous. Looking back, I can see how much music drew me closer to God - and believe that God used music to draw me in, despite myself. Jason and I were married at UC, I was baptized there, and our daughter was baptized there. We go there for the worship and praise of God, for fellowship and joy in the company of other believers.

And His Name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace... Sing Praise, indeed.

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